Joke of the day

[Scarlet_Nape]

The Pope

I know this isn't necessarily "politically" correct, but I thought it was pretty darned funny!!



The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of
the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the
Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp Then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this
is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the
bait holding out, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"

 

[DaveBen]

Good enuf for me!!!

Dave

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

Re-definition Contest

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked
readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2006} winners:

>1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

>2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

>3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

>4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

>5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

>7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

>8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

>9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

>10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

>11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

>12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
It's, like, a serious bummer.

>13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.

>14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

>15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

>16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

>17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

>18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

[JLDickmon]

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

[architect-builder]

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006



SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in

front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir,

I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but

she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for ! speeding

rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

SMART AS S ANSWER # 2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop

gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his

hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, " No, I was

delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and

asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from

complete and utter ***ual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to

laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles

knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I

guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[JLDickmon]

Michigan/World Temperature Conversion

Michigan/World Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Michigan people plant gardens.

50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Michigan people sunbathe.

40 above
Italian cars won't start.
Michigan people drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt

15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat...
Michigan people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

- 0 -
People in Miami cease to exist..
Michigan people lick the flagpole.

20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Michigan people get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
Michigan's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Michigan's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Michigan people rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michigan people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.
Michigan people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl [finally].

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

Military Punishment

> US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
> Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers
> that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
>
>
> So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is
> called out to take care of it.
>
>
> The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his
> way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has
> been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another
> one in the hangar, which takes even more time He returns to the
> aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
>
>
> Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully
> (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
>
>
> As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
> attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
> personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
>
>
> Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
> stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your
> son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in
> Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's
> *****es are beginning to look pretty good to me.
>
>
> I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is
> 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh*t out of an aircraft.
>
>
> Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

 

[JLDickmon]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He wants to give his soul to Santa...

 

[Elk]

Viagra

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070125/...na_erection_dc

 

[DaveBen]

Link does not work Elk.

Dave