Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
Aggie Joke
One day, the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A&M."
One day, the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A&M."
Last edited:
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
The Nun At Hooters
A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked the girl, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK", but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Young lady", I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the Bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked the girl, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK", but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Young lady", I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the Bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
The Fisherman, The Snake, and The Frog
Once a guy was fishing on the creekbank with his bucket of crickets and a six pack of beer. Just as he put his last cricket on the hook, he looked around and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. He grabbed the snake, took the frog and poured some beer on the snake's head. A few minutes later, he was still using the frog for bait and he felt something rubbing him. He looked around and there was the snake which had caught another frog!!!
Once a guy was fishing on the creekbank with his bucket of crickets and a six pack of beer. Just as he put his last cricket on the hook, he looked around and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. He grabbed the snake, took the frog and poured some beer on the snake's head. A few minutes later, he was still using the frog for bait and he felt something rubbing him. He looked around and there was the snake which had caught another frog!!!
Ten_Bucks
Chainsaw Collector.
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "That must be pretty painful having that there, huh?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it drives me nuts."
Scott
Scott
Scarlet_Nape
PITA
Beer Contains Female Hormones Study Proves
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
The Wal Mart Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
"It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
"It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Aggie Math
Once there were four Aggies who bought a mule for $28.00. They asked the guy who sold the mule how much each one would have to pay. He said "$25.00. So they paid $25.00 each for the $28.00 mule and went back to A&M. Later they started thinking that they paid too much for the $28.00 mule. So they went to their math professor to solve their problem. The professor wrote their problem in a column like this:
$25.00
25.00
25.00
25.00
And started counting (from the lower right side of the column up to the top, then over to the left and down to the bottom), "5-10-15-20-22-24-26-28. Looks like you all got a good deal".
Once there were four Aggies who bought a mule for $28.00. They asked the guy who sold the mule how much each one would have to pay. He said "$25.00. So they paid $25.00 each for the $28.00 mule and went back to A&M. Later they started thinking that they paid too much for the $28.00 mule. So they went to their math professor to solve their problem. The professor wrote their problem in a column like this:
$25.00
25.00
25.00
25.00
And started counting (from the lower right side of the column up to the top, then over to the left and down to the bottom), "5-10-15-20-22-24-26-28. Looks like you all got a good deal".
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Aggie Drowning
Once there were some Aggies riding in the open bed of a pickup when the pickup crashed into a river. The Aggies drowned because they couldn't open the tailgate.
Once there were some Aggies riding in the open bed of a pickup when the pickup crashed into a river. The Aggies drowned because they couldn't open the tailgate.
