DaveBen
SDD Senior Member
Slow day Wayne???
Dave
Dave
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
rev_propane
SDD Junior Member
CAJUN PREGNANCY
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!"
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey,Boudreaux, you got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children,he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-forty."
Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!"
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey,Boudreaux, you got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children,he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-forty."
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
W4RLR
High Tech Hillbilly
What is a tragedy?
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy ."
I'm afraid not," explains the Reverend Al Sharpton. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says:
"If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy ."
I'm afraid not," explains the Reverend Al Sharpton. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says:
"If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"
Sinner
Johnny was parked under the old oak tree with his girlfriend one night when he asked "honey can we make love tonight?" to this she said "you'll have to ask the good lord up above". So Johnny sticks his head out the window and says " Father, father up above can I make it with the one I love?" he gets no reply. This goes on for a couple of days when Johnny gets an idea so he talks a buddy into sitting in the tree and giving him permission.
So that fiday night they're sitting in the car and Johnny asks her "honey can we make love tonight?" She says you'll have to ask the good lord up above, so he sticks his head out the window and asks "Father father up above can I make it with the one I love?"
Finally he gets a reply.
"Sinner sinner down below run er in as far as she'll go if there's any left for me shake me out of this god d#$@ tree."
Johnny was parked under the old oak tree with his girlfriend one night when he asked "honey can we make love tonight?" to this she said "you'll have to ask the good lord up above". So Johnny sticks his head out the window and says " Father, father up above can I make it with the one I love?" he gets no reply. This goes on for a couple of days when Johnny gets an idea so he talks a buddy into sitting in the tree and giving him permission.
So that fiday night they're sitting in the car and Johnny asks her "honey can we make love tonight?" She says you'll have to ask the good lord up above, so he sticks his head out the window and asks "Father father up above can I make it with the one I love?"
Finally he gets a reply.
"Sinner sinner down below run er in as far as she'll go if there's any left for me shake me out of this god d#$@ tree."
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom
and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading
it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when
it's safe to come home.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom
and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading
it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when
it's safe to come home.
Crumm
Fordoholic
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
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I Love This Part...
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"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
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I Love This Part...
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"Only when he's been drinking."
Big K
SDD.com Hacker/Admin
Good One!
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
The Fisherman and The Snake
This one goes along with Robert's thread about cottonmouth season.
Once a guy was sitting on a dock with his fishing pole, bait, and a couple of six packs. He ran out of bait and saw a snake close by with a frog in its mouth. He reached over the got the frog out of the snake's mouth and poured a sip of beer in the snake's mouth before he closed it. He fished awhile with the "frog bait" and then felt something bump him. He looked around, and that darned snake had caught another frog!!!
This one goes along with Robert's thread about cottonmouth season.
Once a guy was sitting on a dock with his fishing pole, bait, and a couple of six packs. He ran out of bait and saw a snake close by with a frog in its mouth. He reached over the got the frog out of the snake's mouth and poured a sip of beer in the snake's mouth before he closed it. He fished awhile with the "frog bait" and then felt something bump him. He looked around, and that darned snake had caught another frog!!!
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Home Remedies
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
