DaveBen
SDD Senior Member
Slow day, Wayne???
Dave
Dave
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
CHPMustang
Senior Member
Women drivers
I don't make it to this side of town often but this one got passed to me from my sis in law
This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds! and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup.
As a man I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;I dropped My electric shaver,which knocked The donut out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,ruined the damn phone,soaked my trousers,and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
I don't make it to this side of town often but this one got passed to me from my sis in law
This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds! and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup.
As a man I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;I dropped My electric shaver,which knocked The donut out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,ruined the damn phone,soaked my trousers,and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
drchris1024
SDD Security
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
The Pilot, The Flight Attendant, and The Old Lady
The flight had just started flying over the Atlantic on its way from New York to London. The pilot had finished his customary "Welcome To Flight ####.........", then settled in for the long trip. Later he and the co-pilot started talking. The pilot said, "I'll be glad to get to London. The first thing I'm going to do is go to the bathroom. Then I'm going to find a hot young gal!!!!" One of the flight attendants realized the the pilot's mike was still open, and all the passengers could hear the conversation. She started running up the aisle to make the pilot aware of this and tripped and fell. There was an elderly lady sitting in the seat where the young lady tripped and said, "Don't worry honey, he said he had to go to the bathroom first!!!!"
The flight had just started flying over the Atlantic on its way from New York to London. The pilot had finished his customary "Welcome To Flight ####.........", then settled in for the long trip. Later he and the co-pilot started talking. The pilot said, "I'll be glad to get to London. The first thing I'm going to do is go to the bathroom. Then I'm going to find a hot young gal!!!!" One of the flight attendants realized the the pilot's mike was still open, and all the passengers could hear the conversation. She started running up the aisle to make the pilot aware of this and tripped and fell. There was an elderly lady sitting in the seat where the young lady tripped and said, "Don't worry honey, he said he had to go to the bathroom first!!!!"
drchris1024
SDD Security
4 Married Guys
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.
When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked
him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and
said: "Fishing or Sex?" she said: "Wear sun-block."
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.
When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked
him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and
said: "Fishing or Sex?" she said: "Wear sun-block."
jvencius
Full Access Member
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan...
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan...
RoyBoy
Diesel Dork
our chicken coop only has one 
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Yep, I thought all chicken coops only had one door!!!
dpantazis
#12
Bayou Stories
One time Boudreaux ( pron. Boo Drow ) was sittin' on the bank of the
bayou when Thibedeaux ( pron. Tib a Dough ) poled by in his pirough with a big bunch of cattails in the boat.
Boudreaux asks "Where you goin' wit all 'dem cattails?"
Thibedeaux says "I'm goin' to get me some catfish.."
Boudreaux thinks "Hell, man..you can't get no catfish wid no cattails."
But sure enough, late in the evening here come Thibedeaux with a boat full of catfish.
Couple days later Boudreaux is sittin' by the bayou and here come ol'
Thibedeuax polin' along, and he got a whole buch of little pink bags of Nutra
Sweet in the boat.
"Where you goin' wid dat Nutra Sweet," asks Boudreaux?
"Goin' to get me some nutria," says Thibedeaux.
Boudreaux thinks, "Hell, man..you can't get no nutria wid Nutra Sweet."
But late that evening, here come Thibedeaux with a whole bunch of nutria in the boat.
Few days later Boudreax sittin' by the bayou and here come Thibedeaux,
and he got a bunch of some kinda bushes piled up in the pirough.
Boudreux says"Hey, Thibedeaux ! What kinda bushes you got dere ?"
Thibedeaux says" That there is puss-Y willow."
Boudreaux think for a minute and then he hollers
"Hold on dere Thibedeaux ! I'm comin' wid ya' !"
One time Boudreaux ( pron. Boo Drow ) was sittin' on the bank of the
bayou when Thibedeaux ( pron. Tib a Dough ) poled by in his pirough with a big bunch of cattails in the boat.
Boudreaux asks "Where you goin' wit all 'dem cattails?"
Thibedeaux says "I'm goin' to get me some catfish.."
Boudreaux thinks "Hell, man..you can't get no catfish wid no cattails."
But sure enough, late in the evening here come Thibedeaux with a boat full of catfish.
Couple days later Boudreaux is sittin' by the bayou and here come ol'
Thibedeuax polin' along, and he got a whole buch of little pink bags of Nutra
Sweet in the boat.
"Where you goin' wid dat Nutra Sweet," asks Boudreaux?
"Goin' to get me some nutria," says Thibedeaux.
Boudreaux thinks, "Hell, man..you can't get no nutria wid Nutra Sweet."
But late that evening, here come Thibedeaux with a whole bunch of nutria in the boat.
Few days later Boudreax sittin' by the bayou and here come Thibedeaux,
and he got a bunch of some kinda bushes piled up in the pirough.
Boudreux says"Hey, Thibedeaux ! What kinda bushes you got dere ?"
Thibedeaux says" That there is puss-Y willow."
Boudreaux think for a minute and then he hollers
"Hold on dere Thibedeaux ! I'm comin' wid ya' !"
Last edited:
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Redneck Logic
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'
'Yes, I do have a wife.'
'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'
Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'
'Yes, I do have a wife.'
'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'
Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'
