Joke of the day

[02SilverStroke]

You Know You're In A Redneck Church...

If the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two women stand up.

IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".

IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

 

[johnrrogers]

This blonde is driving her Porsche and gets stopped for speeding by a blonde female Highway Patrol officer.

The cop comes over to the Porsche and asks to see the licence of the blonde in the Porsche.

Blonde driver fumbles around in her purse for a while and finally asks: "What's this licence thingey look like? I mean, like, I know I have one, but what's it look like."

The blonde cop replies: "Why it's small and rectangular - and it has your picture on it."

A short while later the blonde driver squeals with delight "Here it is. I found it." And hands the blonde cop her pocket mirror.

The blonde cop studies this for a moment, hands it back to the blonde driver and says....

[wait for it]






...."You're good to go honey. My bad. I didn't realize that you're also with the Highway Patrol."

 

[bonecrusher]

The third grade teacher was explaining to the class that human beings were the only animals that stuttered.
A little girl raised her hand and disagreed with her. She said " I had a kitten that stuttered once."
The teacher asked her to explain.
She said " One time I was in the back yard with a kitten when the neighbors Rottwieler got a running start and jumped the fence. The kitten went Ffff, ff,ff, and the dog ate her before she could say F*(^ !"

 

[CHPMustang]

Instructions for cleaning a toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[02SilverStroke]

The Blonde Gets Even!!

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.

What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.'

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?' She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!'

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 

[powerboatr]

i heard there is a new high profile government job opening up...

So I applied for the new attorney general spot

hey its a few months of


&*(# you pay me


we dont need no stinkin badges

oh and i speak spanish

 

[bonecrusher]

A truck driver stops into a brothel and gives the Madam $500. He tells her he wants the least attractive girl she has and a grilled cheese sandwich.
The madam tells him for that kind of money he can have the finest girl and a three course meal.
He tells her "Look lady, I'm not horny, I'm homesick!"

 

[dpantazis]

Wives....

Three guys were discussing how they had given their new wives duties.

The first one had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was
going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second one had married a woman from Alabama. He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third guy had married a girl from Chicago. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out
of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

 

[powerboatr]

for the older folks here

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things"
from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)


some how as i read this i thought of a few folks here and had to share it

 

[colotow]

a rich rancher from texas takes a vacation to maine. he decides to rent a car and drive around, to check out the scenery and maybe meet some of the local people.

as he's driving, he spots a farmer leaning on his pasture fence. he stops, says hello, and starts a conversation

soon, he askes the maine farmer how big his farm is.

the farmer points, says my farm runs from that big ol oak over yonder, down to the intersection, over to that big rock, then that old bridge over the creek.

the texan says why shoot, son, back in texas, i can get in my truck and drive all day, and still not drive all the way around my ranch.

maine farmer says ayup, i had a truck like that once, too...