Joke of the day

[02SilverStroke]

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he
motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him , he whispered, eyes full of tears. You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house , you stayed right here. When my health started failing,
you were there still by my side. You know what?

What dear? she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me.

 

[02SilverStroke]

Two Chimps And A Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next few hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

 

[hheynow]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $899 with 4 GB of memory or $1099 with 8 GB. This is a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[W4RLR]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $899 with 4 GB of memory or $1099 with 8 GB. This is a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

The new print ad for that device is shown here:

 

[mwberg]

Man and Horse

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I need a drink but I have no money". The bartender says "well if you can make my horse laugh, I will give you a drink and $100.00". They go over to the bartender's horse and the man whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing. The man gets his drink and money. After he finishes his drink, the bartender says I bet you another $100.00 that you cannot make my horse cry. They go outside and the man says to the bartender "close your eyes". In two minutes he says "open your eyes" and the bartender sees his horse crying his eyes out. He gives the man another $100.00 and says I have to know how you made my horse laugh. The man says "I whispered in his ear and told him I was bigger than him".... The bartender then said "how did you make him cry?" The man says "I showed him".

 

[hheynow]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming'
and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile." "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' ", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!!

 

[drchris1024]

Golf Buddies


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a
second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first
says that he usually plays alone, but agrees to let the second guy
join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second
guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched; how about we play for
five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like
to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest
of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and
while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a
neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest at the local
Catholic church, at which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money. The priest
says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass,
I'll marry them for you."

 

[02SilverStroke]

Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run!"

 

[02SilverStroke]

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow,
screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they
look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone
would have slept with you twice."

 

[02SilverStroke]

Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.



They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man! . The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'


He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.