Joke of the day

[powerboatr]

Jay Leno

he said today was the vice presidents


he had a big cake...



lawyer jumped out...





dick shot him

 

[Tail_Gunner]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He wants to give his soul to Santa...

Did you hear about the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac?












He'd lay in bed all night wondering if there really was a dog.

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

Priceless

Subject: Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had
to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to
the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His
son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $14.20
Two Aspirins $ 0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless!

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

WISE OLD COWBOY

Subject: WISE OLD COWBOY

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy,
the young man decides to make sport of him. "You know," he says, "I've
heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a
conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all
right.
What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How
about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle
him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question
first --
horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet, a deer
passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nuclear proliferation when you don't know
sh*t?"

 

[W4RLR]

Blow the WHAT?

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what amazes me about Jews, you're so good to your help."

 

[Trapper77]

A guy has just come from the doctor with bad news.
He had been complaining of very bad headaches for years.
The doctors told him he has a very rare medical condition.
His testicles are pushing up on his spine and causing him to have these headaches.
The condition has been going on for years and he has finally had enough.
The only thing the doctor can do is castrate him.
The guy has some worries but finally goes through with the surgery.
After the surgery he feels great.
His headaches are gone and he says to himself,
"Since I am now a new man, I need a new suit"
He stops by the closest suit shop after the hospital.
He goes inside and tells the tailor
"I want a new suit, hook me up with the works"
Tailor,"what are you a 44 regular"
Man, "yes how did you know?'
Tailor, "I have been doing this along time, you wear a 34 long pant right?"
Man, "you got it"
Tailor, "want some new socks and shoes? Size 13 right?"
Man "you are amazing"
Tailor, "while your at it you want some new underwear? Size 36 right?"
Man "Ah Ha! I got you. I don't wear a 36 I wear a size 34, have since high school!"
Tailor, "there is no way you wear a 34, a size 34 would cause a very painfull condition which would push your testicles up against your spine and cause you to have terrible headaches!"

 

[02SilverStroke]

Chasing Cattle With My Bicycle (True Story)

When I was a kid in the 60's growing up in Louisiana, we lived near my grandparents and my grandfather's two brothers, Inger and Ervin. My uncle Ervin would occasionally take his 10-15 head of cattle to my grandfather's pasture to get some "fresh grass" since my grandfather had sold his cattle. We lived about a half mile west of my grandparents, my uncle Inger lived 1/4 mile west of us, and my uncle Ervin lived 1/4 mile north of uncle Inger. One day when I was about 12 or 13, I saw my uncle Ervin leading his cattle back to his pasture from my grandparents. He had a bucket of corn and was walking ahead of the "lead" or "bell" cow, and the others were "trailing" along behind. My aunt (Ervin's wife) was following behind in their pickup along the highway. I rode over to the truck on my bike and asked my aunt if he needed any help, then proceeded to follow my uncle and the cattle unaware of what might happen. All at once, as they turned passed my uncle Inger's house, my bike "spooked" them and of course they stampeded right past my uncle Ervin. He turned around and started yelling. Later my uncle Inger said that was the biggest laugh he'd ever had. He said he'd seen cattle being chased by people, dogs, and horses, but that was the first time he'd ever seen them chased by a bicycle.

 

[02SilverStroke]

AHHHH......Leather!!!

When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?



















Because she smells

Like a New Truck!

 

[Crumm]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Ford Powerstroke next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Truck, that I noticed that the rear cover on my axle seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer ?

 

[02SilverStroke]

The Lady At The Dentist

A lady went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. When the dentist started to give her the "deadening" shot, she said "you know I think I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled." The dentist said, "well you'd better decide in a hurry so I can adjust the chair!"