Joke of the day

[dboyw]

Onions &
Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

In her fifties, they are like onions.

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas tree?

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[dboyw]

*Not tonight, Adam*

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you
and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to
kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand

and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was
enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now
I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the

bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that

was even better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love
to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind

the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

 

[02SilverStroke]

History of the Middle Finger

I hate to burst any bubbles on this one, but this story is not true according to: http://www.snopes.com/language/apocryph/pluckyew.htm

Evidently the use of the middle finger has been around since back in the days of the Romans.

 

[dboyw]

No bubble to burst. I just thought it was funny.

 

[dboyw]

One More

How to Make a Woman Happy :

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52! .. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[W4RLR]

That reminds me of my friend's uncle who used to work for Gold Kist Poultry before they closed their processing plant not far from here. He would always get into trouble when asked what he did for a living. It didn't help that the poor guy had a speech impediment.

"What do you do to make a living?"
"I'm a chicken plucker." (use your imagination)

 

[W4RLR]

How to Make a Woman Happy :

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

(snip)

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Hey, you forgot adult beverages and the TV remote!

 

[drchris1024]

Jogging in Chappaqua
>
>
>
>Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
>
>But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same >street
>corner, day after day.
>
>With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what
>was most certainly to follow.
>
>"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
>
>"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
>
>This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and
>she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
>
>And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
>
>One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband >on
>his jog!
>
>As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized
>the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd >really
>been doing on all his past outings.
>
>He realized he should have a mighty good explanation for the junior >Senator.
>
>As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
>became even more apprehensive than usual.
>
>Sure enough, there was the hooker!
>
>Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
>
>Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five
>bucks!?"

 

[Elk]

 

[Hoss 350]