BamaSixGun
SDD Super Mod/Staff
DaveBen said:
i figured you did, just havin some fun with ya dave
my son got a joke book for kids from his grandmother and hasn't stopped tellin 'em yet.
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
i figured you did, just havin some fun with ya dave
my son got a joke book for kids from his grandmother and hasn't stopped tellin 'em yet.
Scarlet_Nape
PITA
A Damn Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
Making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat
Upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this
To me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
Leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband
Replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you
What happened." " Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll
Be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
Home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
And out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
Noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
Night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
Weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say
They are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
Present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found
The sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use
Just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
Expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair
The same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
Grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
To the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
Making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat
Upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this
To me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
Leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband
Replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you
What happened." " Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll
Be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
Home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
And out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
Noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
Night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
Weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say
They are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
Present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found
The sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use
Just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
Expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair
The same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
Grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
To the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Tail_Gunner
CRJ & ERJ A&P Mech.
bama-six-gun said:this joke is compliments of my 8 year old son Austin.
How do you get a tissue to dance?
you put alittle "boogey" in it!!!!!
Now that snot funny!
DaveBen
SDD Senior Member
bama-six-gun said:i figured you did, just havin some fun with ya dave
my son got a joke book for kids from his grandmother and hasn't stopped tellin 'em yet.
Not a problem 'bama. Someone has to make fun at me.
Dave
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Oops, I thought it was a booger, but it snot!!!Tail_Gunner said:Now that snot funny!
WD40
Full Access Member
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, bed and plasma
screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
WD40
Full Access Member
The Priest and the Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland turned to the priest beside her and said "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
The priest replied "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland turned to the priest beside her and said "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
The priest replied "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
94f450sd
certified nutjob
Why am I tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:.
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice.... Real nice.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:.
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice.... Real nice.
94f450sd
certified nutjob
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping * Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping * Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
W4RLR
High Tech Hillbilly
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her ...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...". "Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
Noticing this, a policeman stops her ...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...". "Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
