Joke of the day

[W4RLR]

The tale of the dyslexic blonde.

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde Judy, plans
the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in
great detail.

The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car
and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the
plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three
minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a
safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she
gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with
the security guard coming out.

The guard's trousers and underwear are down around his ankles while he is
firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a
ditz! I thought you understood the plan!"

"I did" replied Buffie, . . ." I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you didn't you idiot!" "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

WalMart Application

Don't know if this is true, but thought it was funny:

WAL-MART APPLICATION



This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior
citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? :Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

 

[powerboatr]

click the number 4

 

[Crumm]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and
his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows
me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[rev_propane]

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed
so
Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and
inspected
the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As
carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that
elephant
or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a
zoo
with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one
of
the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off
the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the
encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same
elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made
his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared
back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back
and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[drchris1024]

Marine and God

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the
ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off
the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his
seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter
with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's
troops who are protecting your right to say stupid shi* and act like
an a**hole. So, He sent me."

 

[02SilverStroke]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. ......

Give that Marine a medal!! No, don't do that, give him 100 medals!!!
Good story!!

 

[W4RLR]

Southerner's Stay Ahead Of The Curve

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket
counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a
ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the
three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand.The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money. That afternoon when they got back to the station,
they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched,
while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed
Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet
just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were
hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees
could have ever won the war.

 

[powerboatr]

sometimes you just have to wonder why

 

[02SilverStroke]

The New Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.

" The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ! "Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!