Scarlet_Nape
PITA
Love that joke, Wayne!!
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
THE_ALASKAN
Diesel Freak
For you Tx boys
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas Tech University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation fall into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
JIM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas Tech University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation fall into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
JIM
W4RLR
High Tech Hillbilly
WD40
Full Access Member
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something
had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and
maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of
the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will
make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly
for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit
and said.
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something
had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and
maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of
the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will
make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly
for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit
and said.
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
powerboatr
living well in Texas
thanks Doug
BamaSixGun
SDD Super Mod/Staff
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming
easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.
The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember
that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and
says..."I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming
easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.
The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember
that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and
says..."I would have gotten out today."
platinum01
Full Access Member
So funny I cried
A Texas Chili Contest
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the
advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2
-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the
hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2
-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #
3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all of the
beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge
# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers. udge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one
seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over,
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
A Texas Chili Contest
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the
advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2
-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the
hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2
-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #
3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all of the
beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge
# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers. udge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one
seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over,
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
