Joke of the day

[W4RLR]

What Little Johnny saw

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane....."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny said, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

Mommy fainted!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the WHOLE story before you interrupt.

 

[W4RLR]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

"She is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule!" said the foreman.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[W4RLR]

This ain't no bum steer.

During a regional "whistle-stop campaign", a state senatorial candidate's bus ran off the road, running through a fenced pasture full of bovines. Several animals were killed. The politician agreed to reimburse the farmer that owned the cattle, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit.

 

[zr1pete]

A couple of drink'in buddies

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who
worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.

One day the airport was fogged in and they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can make a
drink called The Tomahawk Special out of jet fuel and
get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high
octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a
hangover?" Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff
-- no
hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

 

[RoyBoy]

 

[powerboatr]

GOOD MORNING,

WELCOME TO THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until you have

learned to speak English

 

[RoyBoy]

GOOD MORNING,

WELCOME TO THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until you have

learned to speak English

Well said.

 

[acjjkamp]

Purina diet

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door

 

[W4RLR]

They know what you've been talking about on the phone.

NSA Monitoring Center

 

[BamaSixGun]

NSA Monitoring Center