Joke of the day

[happeetxn]

Amazing Race Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Amazing Race" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Amazing Race, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed
up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there
they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for John Kerry," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2008" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

 

[whatabudro]

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

Due to the popularity of the "Amazing Race" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Amazing Race, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed
up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there
they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for John Kerry," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2008" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

No one will EVER win!!!

 

[02SilverStroke]

To my dear friend Wayne. Ole buddy you got way to much time on your hands. You need to get another hobby.

Is there really a better hobby than posting on SDD.com?

 

[02SilverStroke]

Slow day Wayne???
Dave

Trying to relax, Dave. The ones about Texas were all in one e-mail I had received, so I put them into three posts. Seriously, some of those are probably true with all the hot weather we're having right now.

 

[DaveBen]

I am relaxed Wayne. I was giving you a hard time... seemed like the thing to do after you posted so many posts. No harm intended.

Dave

 

[Scarlet_Nape]

How to Poop at Work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.
Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30
feet
to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.


SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

[MUDWHISTLE]

Husband Store.
Body: The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[powerboatr]

USAF retired, Right!! Old people make me laugh.

Ditto
my MEMO has it as God: (Chief Petty Officer, USN Retired)


Wayne
i thought i was the only one with to much free time at work

 

[drchris1024]

Subject: Georgia



> Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
> Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. > He

> inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
> God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
> through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
>
> It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call > it

> Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
>
> "Balance?" Inquired Michael still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
> northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold
> and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny andpleasant.
>
> "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.
>
> "This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and
> covered in ice."
>
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
> said "What's that one?"
>
> "Ah," said God. "That's GEORGIA-the most glorious place on earth. There
> are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests.
>
> The people from GEORGIA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and
> humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
>
> They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they
> will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
> balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
>
> God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in ATLANTA."