RoyBoy
Diesel Dork
WOW
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
WD40
Full Access Member
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no
spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no
spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Scarlet_Nape
PITA
Crumm
Fordoholic
Scarlet_Nape said:
Been there done that. Back in about 1990 I was gone trucking and the wife let me know that she had had "bumped" the mirror on my truck on the gate while going out to feed the cows. When I got home I found that the mirror had been ripped off the side of my new truck
To top it off she was suppose to be feeding the cows using the tractor but she thought the new truck would be warmer..
Scarlet_Nape
PITA
Crumm said:Been there done that. Back in about 1990 I was gone trucking and the wife let me know that she had had "bumped" the mirror on my truck on the gate while going out to feed the cows. When I got home I found that the mirror had been ripped off the side of my new truck
What would we do without 'em, Crumm?!!!
W4RLR
High Tech Hillbilly
The REAL story about this photograph. The original WAS pretty funny.www.snopes.com/photos/accident/darling.aspScarlet_Nape said:
Last edited:
WD40
Full Access Member
English Hospitality
English Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy "
English Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy "
hheynow
Señor Aceite de Soja
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had
worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who as
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him
hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator
goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well now, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven so it's
time to choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more
trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm
around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Too good not to pass along and just in time for elections!
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had
worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who as
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him
hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator
goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well now, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven so it's
time to choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more
trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm
around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Too good not to pass along and just in time for elections!
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!
ForumBlue
CDXX
Watch Out for some NEW VIRUSES
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and
re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
Last but not least
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy...then discards it through windows..
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and
re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
Last but not least
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy...then discards it through windows..
hammer450r
Full Access Member
3 old men at the diner
1st one says "I get up at 6 am and my prostate is so bad i stand there for an hour trying to piss"
2nd one says "well i am so constipated at 7am i sit on the toilet for 2 hours trying to crap
3rd one says "thats nothing at 6:30am I piss and crap"
the others say "whats wrong with that?"
3rd one says I dont wake up untill 8am
1st one says "I get up at 6 am and my prostate is so bad i stand there for an hour trying to piss"
2nd one says "well i am so constipated at 7am i sit on the toilet for 2 hours trying to crap
3rd one says "thats nothing at 6:30am I piss and crap"
the others say "whats wrong with that?"
3rd one says I dont wake up untill 8am
