Joke of the day

[94f450sd]

A drunk walks out of bar with a key in his hand and he's
stubling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can i help you sir?"

"Yessh! sssomebody ssstole my car"
The man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisssh key"

 

[hheynow]

Siamese Twins

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Vancouver, B.C. and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molsons, draft please".The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England" says the innkeeper. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap" says Joe. "Hamburgers &
Molson's, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're
arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

 

[CHPMustang]

Walmart incident

DOG STORY





Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, Buddy at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your sign lady' but I decided to go with it . . . so on impulse, I told her, 'No, I didn't have a dog but I'm starting the Purina weight loss diet again.' I then said, 'I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but I did lose 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.' I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete . . . so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART has asked me not to shop there anymore.

 

[DaveBen]

Great!!!

Dave

 

[JLDickmon]

DOG STORY





Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, Buddy at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your sign lady' but I decided to go with it . . . so on impulse, I told her, 'No, I didn't have a dog but I'm starting the Purina weight loss diet again.' I then said, 'I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but I did lose 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.' I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete . . . so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART has asked me not to shop there anymore.

my punchline for that is:
"I was sitting in the middle of the street licking my ass when a car hit me..."

I love that joke

 

[CHPMustang]

Fifty Years of Math 1958 - 2008

Fifty Years of Math 1958 - 2008

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:

1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960 's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $ 1 00. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho el h achero?

 

[02stroker]

The worst part of this joke is it's true. But still funny.

 

[CHPMustang]

Subject : Aging

Subject: AGING

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.
Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
whatever You are hot and sweaty.. Covered in dirt or paint. You have
your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in
crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of
tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project
you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get
something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do
the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower,
blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite
cologne because you never know -- you just might meet some hot chick
while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty
girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and
shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much
else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went
to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that
is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on
different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is
almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The
spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you
feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the
dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want
to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and
you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you
think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat
anymore. Hose the dog poo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when
you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs
out of the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute
but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart
until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog
poo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you
because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop
again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.. Go to Wal-Mart
and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart
out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school
with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

[Zookie400]

some will find this more amusing than others, depending on your location.....

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those...," Satan groaned. "They're all from Seattle. They're still too wet to burn."

 

[WD40]

A Modern Parable.

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, The End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY