Joke of the day

[dpantazis]

For the mathematiclly challenged...

i have not checked the math on this one...

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -$ -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-$-$ -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull$h!t and A $ $ kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[dpantazis]

Romance

After many years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the Misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,

"Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"Found the remote," he mumbled.

 

[dpantazis]

Liquid Assets

Liquid Assets - check your portfolio - you may want to switch!!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!

 

[95_stroker]

"Found the remote," he mumbled.

 

[Zookie400]

A truck driver was eating breakfast at a lunch counter, when a gang of motorcycle tough-guys walked in. One of the bikers put his finger in the truck driver's coffee and said, "Not very hot, is it?" Then another biker put his finger in the scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, are they?"

Finally, without saying a word, the trucker paid for his meal and left. "Wasn't much of a man, was he?", the gang leader asked the waitress. "He's no great driver either", replied the waitress. "He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles."

 

[02SilverStroke]

A truck driver was eating breakfast at a lunch counter, when a gang of motorcycle tough-guys walked in. One of the bikers put his finger in the truck driver's coffee and said, "Not very hot, is it?" Then another biker put his finger in the scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, are they?"

Finally, without saying a word, the trucker paid for his meal and left. "Wasn't much of a man, was he?", the gang leader asked the waitress. "He's no great driver either", replied the waitress. "He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles."

GOOD ONE!!! This was also a scene in the first "Smokey & The Bandit" movie.

 

[Zookie400]

i consider this a joke, so ill post it here!

Real Automotive Men Of Genius: We Salute You, Mr. Proverbial Gangsta Pose Picture Taker

 

[94f450sd]

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.




I then said, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.
"



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
"



And then the fight started...







After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.




I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.




She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed my Social Security application.




When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You may have gotten Disability too.
"



And then the fight started...







Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.




I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.
"



My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And then the fight started...







My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.




My wife asked, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
"



"My Goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...







I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"



So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"



And then the fight started...







I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.




He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself.
"



And then the fight started...







A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
"



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
"



And then the fight started...

 

[dpantazis]

Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, 'I was being the Ring Bear.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was 'acting up' during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, 'Pray for me! Pray for me!'
---------------------------------------------------------------
One particular four-year old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
-------------------------------------------- ---

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, 'It's Adam's suit'.
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, 'If he gets loose, will he hurt us?'
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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'
---------------------------------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, 'No, how are we alike? ''You're both old,' he replied.

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, 'Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin.

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 'Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.

 

[DaveBen]

Those have to be the cleanest jokes that have been posted here... GREAT!

Dave