Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
dpantazis
#12
this is making its rounds via email. i thought of PB when I came to my senses....
This is an actual letter from someone who writes, and farms.
'I had the idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there look at you funny while you rope it; they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran, bucked, twisted, and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The third thing I learned, the only upside, is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head mostly blinded me. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured that if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between that deer and me. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
The fourth thing I learned!!!! Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my fifth lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet, strike right about head, and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you cannot get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Lesson six... Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
This is an actual letter from someone who writes, and farms.
'I had the idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there look at you funny while you rope it; they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran, bucked, twisted, and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The third thing I learned, the only upside, is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head mostly blinded me. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured that if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between that deer and me. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
The fourth thing I learned!!!! Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my fifth lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet, strike right about head, and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you cannot get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Lesson six... Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
Thought you might enjoy this A Good Southern Sermon
A South Georgia farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there it's 95° with 90% humidity. But Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in south Georgia. I like it." Angry, Satan turns up the thermos until it's 100° and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all." Furious, Satan turns it up to 105°and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the south Georgia farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good.
The hotter the better." In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25°F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere, realizes that Hell has frozen over, and begins to laugh, jump for joy and scream.
"Tech beat Georgia ! Tech beat Georgia ! Tech beat Georgia
******************************************************************************
THE RULES OF THE SOUTH ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Diesel pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust and smoke on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40and I-10 goes east and west, I-75and I-95 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. ( don't you love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ___ ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
A South Georgia farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there it's 95° with 90% humidity. But Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in south Georgia. I like it." Angry, Satan turns up the thermos until it's 100° and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all." Furious, Satan turns it up to 105°and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the south Georgia farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good.
The hotter the better." In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25°F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.
The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere, realizes that Hell has frozen over, and begins to laugh, jump for joy and scream.
"Tech beat Georgia ! Tech beat Georgia ! Tech beat Georgia
******************************************************************************
THE RULES OF THE SOUTH ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Diesel pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust and smoke on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40and I-10 goes east and west, I-75and I-95 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. ( don't you love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ___ ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
DaveBen
SDD Senior Member
Good one, Dogman!!!
Dave
Dave
02stroker
Full Access Member
Dogman, I think you'r rulesx apply everywhere. You hit the nail on the head.
04whitef350
SDD Junior Member
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Ditto!!!!!
Zookie400
I WANNA GO FAST
Some chevy jokes
Q: How do you double the value of a chevy?
A: Put gas in it.
Q: What do you call a Chevy at the top of a Hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Chevy at the top of a Hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Chevy with Brakes?
A: Customized.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
if it wasnt for your Chevy,
your tools would rust......
GM= General Mistake
GM= Glued Metal
GM= Mark of Ignorance
Q: How do you double the value of a chevy?
A: Put gas in it.
Q: What do you call a Chevy at the top of a Hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Chevy at the top of a Hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Chevy with Brakes?
A: Customized.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
if it wasnt for your Chevy,
your tools would rust......
GM= General Mistake
GM= Glued Metal
GM= Mark of Ignorance
CHPMustang
Senior Member
New Boss............
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the
facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what t that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.........."
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the
facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what t that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.........."
