Joke of the day

[fuzzybear]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.
6
Hot Breakfast - $4.

Red Rose bud -$3.
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

 

[CHPMustang]

The love story of Ralph and Edna

The love story of Ralph and Edna



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have.



Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the

deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly

jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.



When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and

bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to

rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the

person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt

right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home?"

 

[WD40]

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[WD40]

People were in their pews talking at church.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

 

[95_stroker]

'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

 

[fuzzybear]

This guy pulls into Britain for the first time and goes to an proper English pub. In this pub, something was different, there was a HUGE jar crammed and absolutley jam packed with 10s, 20s and fifty pound notes. There must've been thousands of pounds-worth in there!

Of course, the guy asks the bar keeper:

'Hey man, what is this money for?'

'Oh, I guess you aren't from around here. We are famous for holding a competition that costs £20 to enter, and if you win, you take all the money home.'

Out of curiosity, the guy asks for more info.
The Barkeeper's mouth broke into a grin:

'Well, its a contest to complete 3 tasks. First, you gotta drink a whole bottle of our strongest Pepper Tequila without pulling a face of any kind. Second, out back is an old mean bulldog who was a local dog-fighting champion, a real big mean brute. He has a tooth-ache, and your second job is to find, and remove this tooth with your bare hands. Last, up in the attic, is my great grand-mother. She is over 100 years old, and hasn't made love for over 30 years. Your last task, is to satisfy her.'

Immediatley the guy refuses and says 'NO WAY'...

...But surely enough, after a night of boozing, he gets drunk and stupid enough to give it a go.

'What the hell' he said 'Heres £20'

Immediatley the barkeep rings the bell, and a crowd gathers.

A bottle of the strongest pepper tequila is handed to the man, who, despite tears running down both cheeks, keeps a stony face and downs the whole bottle.

Next, the man rolls up his sleeves, and goes through the back door to the Bulldog pen. The bar is deathly quiet as they hear barking, deathly screams, growling, yelps, horrible yells and then finally after 10 minutes of obscene racket, a long, high pitched whine.

The whole bar, convinced the man is now dead, bow their heads and take off their hats.

But suddenly, the man bursts through the door triumphantly, hiccups, and says:



...



'Now... Wheres the old lady with the toothache?'

 

[Crumm]

Tools

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

 

[DaveBen]

Great, Crumm. I forwarded these to my friends.

Dave

 

[JLDickmon]

I just stole this from FTE...

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money Gambling. I'm sure the IRS finds that unbelievable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a Demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other Eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

 

[hheynow]

One liners...

Practice Safe Hex.
My truck does not leak. It's just marking its territory!
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

and finally...

I have to stop now, my fingers are getting hoarse.