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Fordoholic
Keep them coming Mike and you just might catch up with Robert. You are only 180 behind. 
Joke of the day
- Thread starter 95_stroker
- Start date
Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might
as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might
as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
BamaSixGun
SDD Super Mod/Staff
GOOD NIGHT!!!! man i'm dizzy after reading all of 95 strokers jokes. it is a good way to increase the # of post you have..
W4RLR
High Tech Hillbilly
A man was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog. On impulse, the man told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he ended up in the hospital last time.
He said "I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices. I had IVs in both arms." The man told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.
"The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry." the man said. "The dog food is nutritionally complete so I'm going to try it again!"
The woman looked horrified. She asked "Did you almost die because you were poisoned?"
The man buying the dog food said "No, I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me!"
He said "I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices. I had IVs in both arms." The man told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.
"The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry." the man said. "The dog food is nutritionally complete so I'm going to try it again!"
The woman looked horrified. She asked "Did you almost die because you were poisoned?"
The man buying the dog food said "No, I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me!"
powerboatr
living well in Texas
ray
badda boom
thanks
Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?
Yes. What can I do for you?"
I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin holes in
his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using Axes, they split
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer At Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
Did The Sheriff come?"
Yeah!"
Did they split yer farwood?"
Yep!"
Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Who says rednecks are stupid?
badda boom
thanks
Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?
Yes. What can I do for you?"
I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin holes in
his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using Axes, they split
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer At Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
Did The Sheriff come?"
Yeah!"
Did they split yer farwood?"
Yep!"
Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Who says rednecks are stupid?
WD40
Full Access Member
And for those of you who deal with corporate America....
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
powerboatr
living well in Texas
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral........."I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral........."I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
02SilverStroke
Full Access Member
9-1-1 Calls
Believe it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your e mergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Believe it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your e mergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
