Joke of the day

[architect-builder]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1 . It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Barrett

 

[ForumBlue]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1 . It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Barrett

 

[02SilverStroke]

The Elevator

A hillbilly and his son were in town and stopped at a coffee shop in a big hotel. They were in the lobby when they saw this elderly lady with a walker go into the elevator, then the doors closed. A minute or two later, the doors opened, and a beautiful young blonde walked out. The hillbilly told his son, "Go git yer maw!!!!"

 

[02SilverStroke]

The Mirror

The old farmer was in town one day and saw his first mirror. It was a hand held make-up mirror. When he looked at it, he said, "That's a picture of my paw!!!" and bought the mirror. A few days later, his wife found it and said, "So that's the old hag he's been runnin' around with!!!!"

 

[architect-builder]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in house wares...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then
yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here"!

 

[02SilverStroke]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in house wares...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then
yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here"!

I know the perfect person who could do this: Jim Carrey!!!!!

 

[02SilverStroke]

The Volkswagen's Extra Engine

This is an old one, but still good:
One time a little old lady pulled up to the gas station in her Volkswagen Beetle (rear engined) and told the attendant, "I raised my hood to check the oil and the engine was gone!!!" Another lady heard her story and spoke up, "That's okay, don't worry about it. I had my trunk lid open the other day and found a spare engine. You can have it if you want it!!!"

 

[02SilverStroke]

The New Tony Lama Boots

There's a country singer, Darryl Dodd, that has had a song out for awhile about his new Tony Lama boots:
He was in a bar one night and told a girl, "I can guess the color of your panties!" She wanted to know how did he know that and he said, "I could see the reflection in my new Tony Lamas." He saw another girl and told her the same thing. When she asked, he told her he could see the reflection in his new Tony Lamas. He found a third girl and asked her the same question. She replied, "I'm not wearing any underwear!!!" He said, "That's good, because I thought I had a big old crack in my new Tony Lamas!!!""

 

[zr1pete]

New Version, Where Did I come From

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You Got Male!

 

[Tx_Atty]

Knowing American History



It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who
said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the
people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher
glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything
else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted,
"Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said
that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"